Jokes

[2-Die-4]

I see you guys can make any thread not worth visiting .

[projectelf]

IT makes me so proud (warm feeling inside me)

[finarfin_pl]

jokes aren't dosn't combine with any politics
lets fuck all politics and just have fun from funny jokes.
if u dont have fun from this -> take other point of view, if u cant just leave this joke/thread and.. whatever ;]

from bash ( little translated by me :P )

< kreks > i am damn ugly
< wojt > so i am too fat
< noisy >nobody is perfect...
< nobody >thx

another:

<piotras> i guess i've been having to do something, but i forgot what was that..
<lukaz> buy some medicament for pensioners
<lukaz> for memory
<lukaz> i forgot the name..

here's one more:P

<polsih ver>moja matka zrobila mi dzis zarcika, polozyla sie kolo mnie chwile przed tym jak sie obudzilem, potem jak juz otworzylem oczy to wstala i powiedziala ze jestem lepszy niz ojciec

<my broken translating :P>My mother did to me a joke, she laid her body near me - just before i woke up, then when i opened the eyes she got up and said: u were better than ur father

[MaN-O-WaR]

Regular flight, nothing special... Then suddenly one engine broke up and plane started falling down, so crew started to throw away all bagages and belongings of passengers. After they finished that the plain was still falling so they have decided to throw ppl from the play. So to make some justice captain announced that ppl will be throw down with alfabetical order as long as plain stops falling down. So he started to ask:
- Are there any Asian ppl??
Nobody put hand up. Captain continued..
- Are there any Black ppl?
Again nobody put his hand up, so captain continued... meanwhile two black ppl started to talk at the back of the plain. It was father and son.
Son: Father, u always said that we should be proud of beeing black, so why u told me not to put my hand up when captain asked if there is any black person?
Father: Today we r not Black my son - today we r Niggers

[moguzsen]

In a cold winter day; a sultan and his grand vizier dressed like poor and went outside to see how the citizens live, how their mood is.. etc. They saw a white bearded old man ,doing a job on the shore of a nearly frozen river, on their way and they went to him. Sultan greeted him:
- Esselamualeyküm oh my old father. (translated badly I know, just never mind )
Old man answered after looking the incomers a little:
-Aleykümüsselam, leader to the world.
-What are you doing in this cold?
-I am tanning hides sir.
-What did you do in sixties?
-We are not able to suffice enough to 32, unless we don't add 6 to 6.
-Didn't you wake up at nights?
-I woke up, but it helped to strangers.
-Will you pluck it if I send you a goose?
-OK; just send, I'll deal with it.
After the ending of this conversation; with the suprised stare of the vizier; sultan said good bye to old man and went again on his way. Vizier didn't understand anything about what the sultan and old man told each other, so he just couldn't stand and asked sultan the meaning of that conversation. Sultan said "If you so much wonder, go and learn." Vizier went to old man and said:
-How did you notice sultan and me, even though we dressed as citizens?
Old man wanted a purse of gold coins to explain, and went on after vizier gave him what he wished:
-OK; sultan didn't dressed as a sultan; fur that he wore was old but it was so royal that it could only be aged by a sultan.
-Sultan asked you what you did in sixties and what did you mean saying "We are not able to suffice enough to 32, unless we don't add 6 to 6."?
Old man continued after gathering another purse of gold coins for answering:
-He meant "What did you do in six months including summer, so you work in this cold?" while saying "What did you do in sixties?". And I told him "We are not able to suffice enough to 32, unless we don't add 6 to 6." I meant "We cannot feed ourselves unless we work in winter."
-Sultan asked "Didn't you wake up at nights?" and you said "I woke up, but it helped to strangers.", what did you mean?
Old man talked after gathering another purse:
-He meant "Don't you have children?" while saying "Didn't you wake up at nights?" and I meant "I have; but all are girls, they helped their husbands instead of me after they married."
-OK, all right. What did sultan mean "Will you pluck it if I send you a goose?"?
Old man answered with a laugh:
-He sent you, sir.

[moguzsen]

Two drunk people were walking on the street. They both see two women coming near, one of the drunks said "You see? My wife and concubine are coming." The other replied suprisingly: "No, no, no. They are my wife and concubine"

A ladykiller is on his job. He greets a good looking woman and says: "Oh, you' re the most beautiful and sweetest lady I have ever seen." The woman is a little insolent: "Alas, I won't tell you same things you said for me." He just smiled and said: "Then, lie like me."

A man decided to ride a camel in a desert trip. He hired a camel but didn't know how to ride. Its tamer told him that: "Say 'Wow' loudly for the camel to accelerate, say 'Amin' to stop the camel" Once he learned, he started to shout "Woooowww, wooooww...." and the camel started to run like hell to inside of the desert. After a while he decided to stop the animal, but he forgot what to do. He shouted: "Stop it idiot, whoa, enough of this....." but nope. When all hopes became extinct, he prayed to God for the camel to stop, in the end of prayer he said "Amin" and camel stopped suddenly on the edge of a cliff. He looked around shocked and said "Wow, I was about to fall down." and.....

[hyden]

it was better if englishmen were the one who will never win ... not macedoniens :P

[Medo]

omg , l just Read the first page , and l cant stop laughing , Rest guys plzz !!!

[Mr42]

Moses, Jesus and a serious old man are playing golf.
Moses shoots, but the ball falls down to a small lake. he walks to it, when water splits in two parts, he walks in, shoots and scores.
Jesus shoots, but ball falls to the same pool again. He comes, walkes trough water, picks the ball, shoots and scores.
The man shoots the ball. It is going to fall to the lake, but suddenly a fish jumps out of the water and swallows it. Then a bird catches the fish and squeezes it with such force that ball falls out of fish's stomach, falls down; bounces back from a tree and falls down to a hole, so the man scores with one shot and wins.

Jesus looks at the man and says angrily: you have to win at all cost, dont you, dad?

[sorry for english imperfections ;-) ]

[Medo]

Moses, Jesus and a serious old man are playing golf.
Moses shoots, but the ball falls down to a small lake. he walks to it, when water splits in two parts, he walks in, shoots and scores.
Jesus shoots, but ball falls to the same pool again. He comes, walkes trough water, picks the ball, shoots and scores.
The man shoots the ball. It is going to fall to the lake, but suddenly a fish jumps out of the water and swallows it. Then a bird catches the fish and squeezes it with such force that ball falls out of fish's stomach, falls down; bounces back from a tree and falls down to a hole, so the man scores with one shot and wins.

Jesus looks at the man and says angrily: you have to win at all cost, dont you, dad?

To be Continuee.... !!

[2-Die-4]

Dog is man's best friend.
-Woman is on incedable 2nd place
(100% joke ).

[Dragan]

I guy gets his payment from work and he hasnt f*cked nothing for a 2 months and he goes to a whore and she asks 100 euros but he dont have so much , then she asks 50 euros for sucking his cock but he denies telling her that he have only 20 euros and she tells him that for those 20 euros he can only lick her pussy.He was having only 20 euros so he accepted , she spread her legs he started licking her and after 5 seconds he started spitting on the ground and said wtf is this rice doing here!!!She answered -A japanese guy was here before you and when i said to him that i have sifilis he throw up on me.

[Dragan]

One guys parked the car in the middle of very dangerous neighbourhood and knowing that someone will try to steal something from it , he left a note in the car saying "Nothing worthy inside" and he went somewhere.
When he came back he looked at the car and he noticed that the window is broken.Inside , on the seat he also noticed a note , he took it and he readed "My duty is to check".



Here is another one


A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject. The next day the boy went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven. A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the father ask "what are you talking about?" "Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling 'Oh God I'm coming'"

[Medo]

I guy gets his payment from work and he hasnt f*cked nothing for a 2 months and he goes to a whore and she asks 100 euros but he dont have so much , then she asks 50 euros for sucking his cock but he denies telling her that he have only 20 euros and she tells him that for those 20 euros he can only lick her pussy.He was having only 20 euros so he accepted , she spread her legs he started licking her and after 5 seconds he started spitting on the ground and said wtf is this rice doing here!!!She answered -A japanese guy was here before you and when i said to him that i have sifilis he throw up on me.

So he Throw up too ??

Here is another one


A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject. The next day the boy went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven. A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the father ask "what are you talking about?" "Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling 'Oh God I'm coming'"

Nice one !!!

[Desire]

1st:

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

2nd:

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

3rd:

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

have fun =]