Jokes

[L1umas]

Hi all , post all your jokes here please (English only if its possible...)

I guess ill start

1. A Macedonien , a Englishman . , and a Frenchman , (doesnt matter really , just one of these countrys must suck at football) meet at the entrece to God's palace to ask him when there own country will win the football world cup.

First the Englishmen goes and asks God when will England win the football world cup .God says that they will win in 50 years . The Englishman starts crieng , god asks why and the englishman says becouse he wont be alive when they will win.

Then he Frenchmen goes and asks God when will France win the football world cup .God says that they will win in 30 years . The Frenchman starts crieng , god asks why and the Frenchman says becouse he wont be alive when they will win.

After him the Macedonien goes and asks God when Macedonia will with the football world cup. God checks his information and starts crieng . The macedonian asks why , and God says becouse he wont be alive when they win

[Raphau]

Don't worry now this part of forum (humor) is only for eng language

[not_fair]

lool nice joke gj

[2-Die-4]

Hitler is passing through the woods, suddenely, he saw a jewess boy , and askd him :
Hitler : How old are u.
Boy : im nine , and soon i will be ten.
Hitler : no u wont.

[D@RIO]

haha No u won't u will die ^^

[D@RIO]

Nice Joke

[Sub-Zero]

What does a black man have that is white?.....A Boss.


A hittler aims Luger in Jew's head and sais ''throw the fuckin dice,if u get 1-5,i will blow ur brains out''.And jew replies ''but what if i get 6?''.Hittler sais: ''So u throw again ''

What is 10 000 neegros on the bottom of the sea?
Good start.

[L1umas]

The CIA were training three people , two men and a woman.

The final day of there training came.

The CIA called in the first man . He was told that inside that door he would find his wife sitting on a chair and that he was supposed to kill her with a gun /they gave him a gun. the man starts crieng and saying i wont do it i wont do it! So he was disqualified.

The second man goes and they him the same thing . He almost succeded but admited that he couldnt do it.

Next they call in the woman and give her a gun to kill her husband. The woman didnt hesitate.The CIA heard 13 bullets going on. Then they heard screaming inside. They waited for 5 more minutes and then the woman came out , bloody and all. She said:
You didnt tell me the bullets were blanks! I had to kill the bastard with a chair!!

[demon-_-lady]

in haven, god and jesus were standing at the table and talck...sudently someone knock on the door and jesus stand up,open the door and see allah.he turn arround,look at god and ask: father..did u order shaorma?
(no offence)

[Nery]

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it:

Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

t.t

[demon-_-lady]

-A man escapes from prison where he had been kept for
15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks
into it looking for money and guns, but only finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and
ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl up to the bed, he kisses her on
the neck, then goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his
clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and
hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist. Just do what he
tells you. This guy must be dangerous and if he gets
angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you! "
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my
neck . He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was
gay , thought you were cute and asked if we had any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you
too!"


-Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus: -"Send me a brother ".
Santa wrote back: -"Send me your mother ".



-Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the
phone?
-No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
Frank.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't
got an Uncle Frank,Honey!"
-Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with
Mommy right now.
Uh, ok then. Daddy says, "here's what I want you
to do". Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside
the house.

-Okay Daddy!

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to
the phone.

-"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
- "And what happened?" he asks.
-Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug
and fell down stairs and there's blood everywhere, her arms and legs are
bent all funny and she's not moving anymore.

-"Oh no... and what about Uncle Frank?"
-"He jumped out the back window! into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving anymore either."

***long pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 597-7039?"





A man entered his favorite restaurant and sat at his
regular table.
After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman
sitting at a table
nearby
all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him
to send their most
expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing
that if she
accepted
the bottle, she would be his.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking
at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the
note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need
to have a
Mercedes
in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7
inches in your
pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one
of his own in
return
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to
return
this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari
Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There
is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for
a woman as
beautiful
as you would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!"

[Nery]

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."



@ Alexa: Big post ^_^ dunno who will read ( me ofc )

edit:

-Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus: -"Send me a brother ".
Santa wrote back: -"Send me your mother ".

I already knew this one...

[Ancient Priest]

a boy goes to the oracle to find out something about his future
- omg, because of u, thousands of people will die
the boy walks out sad and confused and suddenly he sees little boy on the railway and the train was comming
thinking of what the oracle has said he saved the kid
then asked him
- Little boy, what's your name?
- my name is Adolf Hitler!!!

[moguzsen]

in haven, god and jesus were standing at the table and talck...sudently someone knock on the door and jesus stand up,open the door and see allah.he turn arround,look at god and ask: father..did u order shaorma?
(no offence)

I didn't like this. (not for offence just saying my opinion)

[moguzsen]

Stalin and Hitler were chatting on a saloon table. A waiter wondered what they were talking about, he approached them and asked, "What the hell are you planning now?" Hitler answered "We will start third world war soon." The waiter asked eagerly. "And whom will you murder?". Hitler answered again: "We will slaughter 50 million muslims and a bicycle repairer." Waiter screamed in a terror. "Oh my God; why, why a bicycle repairer?" Hitler turned Stalin with a smiling face. "I told you that no one will care the death of 50 million muslims."